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Arsenal Mad Libs 4.0

It’s not quite an annual rite, but the transfer window provides no shortage of material. So, forthwith, another (short, there’s only so many ways you can write this kind of hollow filler) installment of football transfer Mad Libs for everyone’s use on social media. Cut and paste to your heart’s delight.

[Insert Player Name] has told his agent that he only wants [Insert Team Name]. Team and agent have yet to have conversations, but a deal could be struck before the deadline.

Siren Emoji Siren Emoji Meetings have taken place in [Insert City Name] between [Insert Player Name]’s team and [Insert Team Name]. Personal terms are close. No team-to-team discussions have taken place as of yet. Siren Emoji Siren Emoji 

[Insert Team Name] have gathered all relevant information on [Insert Player Name]. It is possible, though not yet certain, that [Insert Team Name] might consider making an initial offer, but that scenario is still one of many under discussion.

[Insert Player Name] has a deal in principle with Arsenal but Madrid have decided that they deserve the player and intend to make a move.

Arsenal are interested in [Insert Player 1 Name], [Insert Player 2 Name], and  [Insert Player 3 Name], with  [Insert Player 4 Name] as a last-ditch contingency. However, If  [Insert Player 1 Name] and [Insert Player 2 Name] are beyond the team’s budget and [Insert Team  Name] won’t sell  [Insert Player 3 Name] then they do have a solid plan to pivot to [Insert Player 4 Name].

Have at it. 

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Arsenal Mad Libs 3.0

A LONG overdue update. The last time we did this we were just emerging from the Arsenal Dark Times. Transfer windows look different now, with CL money and very small holes to fill (if even holes – it’s more like foundations on which to build). Previously we supplied everyone with a set of “fill in the blank” tweet-sized missives, and then a second version in 2022, to be used throughout silly season. Those are all still useful (if feeling a bit dated and cynical), but we thought we ought to update and supplement the prior set. So, once again please find below a series of (free!) boilerplate texts, all under the Twitter 280 character limit, for your use in distributing hot information gleaned during the summer transfer window. 

With a second year of Champions League on offer, [Insert Player Name] has said he is interested in joining Arsenal – the team whose shirt he wore as a child.

If Arsenal cannot get [Insert Amount of Money] for [Insert Player Name] they will consider holding the player or even loaning him to [Insert Team Name].

While [Insert Player Name] played scant minutes last season and the potential for increased first team time in 24-25 looks far-fetched (even impossible), Arsenal hope to see multiple high-value (even team-record) offers on the table from clubs abroad, even if they have very little money.

Arsenal are interested in [Insert Player Name] though they fear any offer will bring a late bid from Chelsea at 5-6x whatever Arsenal are willing to pay.

[Insert Player Name] may garner interest from the Saudi league, but is weighing a comfy life in London against the appeal of a country with a non-extradition policy.

And these carry over, since they are always timely, relevant:

Arsenal is preparing to prepare a bid for [Insert Player Name], but first need to prepare for such preparations.

[Insert Player Name] will be staying at the club. [Insert Player Name] will be leaving the club. (Nah, just kidding. [Insert Player Name]‘s staying. Whether you like it or not).

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Arsenal Mad Libs

In the interest of accuracy and succinctness please find below a series of boilerplate texts, all under the Twitter 280 character limit, for your use in distributing hot information gleaned in the run-up to and during the summer transfer window.*

This is open source, no credits required.

[Insert Player Name] would have been a fine transfer if we’d sold him last summer. If [Insert Team Name] really were ready to give us [Insert Price, in Pounds Sterling] for him and we passed somebody needs a smack in the face for not taking that cash

Arsenal are keen on [Insert Player Name] who has also been monitored by [Insert Other Team Name]. Behind the scenes [Insert Player’s Current Team] are increasingly resigned to losing [Insert Player Name] and being forced to cash in during the next transfer window

Arsenal have made contact with [Insert Team Name] about [Insert Player Name]. However, [Insert Team Name] are reluctant to part with him for any less than [Insert Price, in Pounds Sterling].

While Arsenal have had discussions about [Insert Player Name] with [Insert Team Name], a late offer from [Insert Team Name] may derail these plans. As a backup Arsenal have targeted [Insert Player Name], who should come at a significantly lower price.

Though a supreme creative talent, [Insert Manager Name] does not see the fit for [Insert Player Name] within the current squad. This despite being available for a mere [Insert Price, in Pounds Sterling].

Arsenal are close to a deal with [Insert Player Name], however they are not yet close to matching [Insert Team Name]‘s valuation.

While [Insert Player Name] is approaching the final year of his contract, Arsenal do not see the value in extending the deal an extra year.

Once again the Gunners appear to be missing out on their number one target, [Insert Player Name].

* Thanks to @GiantGooner and @SouthMetroAFC for their critical contributions to this resource.

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Yielding the Advantage

As a US sports fan, in particular a long time baseball fan, the looming Mslintat exit hurts in a very pointed way. In the early aughts baseball went through a big change in how front offices assessed value. It’s cliche now, but “Moneyball” (the book) was the emblem of that change, when analtyics and value became heavily tied to each other, and the early adopters flourished. But the early “Moneyball” era here has passed – from a revolution in the early days – to the status quo. Hardball scouting utilizing and privileging data-centric assessment is much more the norm, and in a much more mature place. Everyone’s doing it.

In football, leaning on statistical analysis seems much more in a period of infancy. Even if some purveyors have been at it a for a while, with public data much more accessible than in the past, the sport is still catching up to hardball and the deeper measurements that allow us to compare players against each other. So when Arsenal hired Mslintat it seemed as though, even as he wasn’t a true unknown and had done great things elsewhere, we were ahead of the curve. This was a big move, a real moment of futurism from the leadership at the club.

But now, with what sounds like a regressive move back to Raul Sanllehi’s “relationship”-centric model (where analytics may not be ignored, just de-centralized), it seems like we are willingly giving up a competitive advantage. “Moneyball”, as Michael Lewis framed it, was centrally focused on the exploitation of market inefficiencies, not just on specific statistics. And Arsenal, in hiring Sven, identified a market inefficiency, smartly. Not xG, or distances run, or the statistics he looks at. The inefficiency was that we had a guy like this, while many others did not. Not only did we hire an elite, inventive scout who knew his way around the data, but we did it at time when these types are rarer in the EPL.

Soon this type of hire will be commonplace. The market inefficiency will have evaporated. In baseball most teams got wise, making the advantage of having Mslintat-types smaller. Front offices now have to be that much better in their analysis, just to keep up with the Joneses. And we are relinquishing that head start, in a moment when the advantage is far greater than it will be over time.

For someone who has seen the fields level in baseball it hurts to see Arsenal seemingly dis-inviting themselves – intentionally and knowingly – from the revolution.

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Play Them All

This transfer window, not yet closed, presents to us the emotional extremes of sports, and dedicated fandom.

First, pessimism and despair. Amidst all the potential changes (and ongoing flux) of the squad our team looks hideous at Swansea. Inept, ill-deployed, confused. The game reminds us that we support a team with recent, tangible successes, yet it is also a team where the present feels stagnant, whose future feels distant.

Second, just a few hours later: optimism and hope – news trickling in teasingly about big names on their way to the Emirates, at first without confirmation and thus a fantasy but then…real!

Third, once this news settles in: simple, reductive excitement. Saturday! A new beginning! A game in front of the home crowd with exciting, skillful, fresh players who have been on our minds for years. And now they play for the Arsenal. They are ours. We feel impatient, anticipatory, and – yes – happy. A different team will be on the pitch, and while the future may not be wholly different from yesterday’s past we at least daydream about what it might be.

We hope that the fourth phase isn’t a return to that first one, with a lineup of old faces starting against Everton, while the new blood is given a slow introduction to the current environment at the home ground.

So play them all, Arsene. Play them all. We almost don’t care in what formation.

Let us stay hopeful.

At least for a little while.